I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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