You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
