I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
