Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm at about main and main street
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
