Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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