I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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