time to smoke my breakfast
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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