overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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