All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
