Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
