Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
