Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize