if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
