So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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