Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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