I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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