i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
