Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
