you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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