i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
