i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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