my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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