Jerry, you need to find god
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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