Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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