from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
