So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize