i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
