Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
