I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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