He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
