the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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