omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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