So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
