I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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