Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
