when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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