I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
