why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize