I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize