matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
