Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize