He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
