farters have to be the big spoon...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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