Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
