Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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