I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
