Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I stole a fireplace last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
