You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
