Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
