ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
