nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
