I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
