You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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